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08 May 2012 @ 09:31 pm
he said, "this is probably the worst decision that i've ever made"  
I have yet to come up with a suitable metaphor for borderline personality disorder, but it's a bit like this: you're stuck on a rollercoaster in the dark and you can't get off. Sometimes it's alright, smooth sailing even, but even when things seem calm there's still that knot of tension preparing for the next big thing. Anything can set it off, anything at all - a sideways glance from a stranger, a careless word from a friend, something on the news or in a song, a painful train of thought. And then you're hurtling screaming up into the stratosphere of hysteria or dropping helplessly into the depths of depression. Your logical brain knows that it has to end, that the climb and the dive cannot go on forever, but when you're caught up in those stomach dropping moments (and they last from minutes to months) you can't think logic - you can only grip tight and try to keep the air moving through your lungs and hope that this isn't the time you go careening right off the rails. Even in the flat bits you can never really relax, never let your guard down, never let go of the fear and panic and anxiety because around the next corner could hold something that tears you apart. Everything feels like the end of the world, all the time.

I'm so sick of the medication, trying to get it right with the drugs that keep me from being totally psychotic that could also send me totally psychotic. The nausea, the weight gain, the brain zaps and dizzy spells and mood swings, the dangerous fevers and tremors. I'm tired of being sick, I'm tired all the time. I hate that I feel like I am made of stone sometimes, an impenetrable fortress that feels no blows and sheds no light, and yet I am so fragile that I could shatter with a harsh word or a light touch. I don't know anyone else like this and I don't understand why it has to be this way but 10 years of medication and therapy and I'm still stuck there in the dark on the endless rollercoaster of my own emotions.

I am a broken record. Just shut up and get better already!
 
 
Breathe out: confusedconfused
Breathe in: Against Me! - You Look Like I Need A Drink
 
 
 
Elisaurus_Rexbloodied_angel7 on May 8th, 2012 11:58 am (UTC)
I love you and I'm always here. Never forget that <3
Her lips taste like a loaded gun.: Shit.tacomonkey on May 9th, 2012 07:15 am (UTC)
i know :) thankyou <3
Australian Joeaustralian_joe on May 8th, 2012 10:45 pm (UTC)
The thing I say when I'm not sure what to say, but want to say something:

I read all this.
Her lips taste like a loaded gun.: nomnomnom - damn cattacomonkey on May 9th, 2012 07:16 am (UTC)
thankyou :) it honestly does make it better, even just to know that someone is listening and i'm not totally on my own
Australian Joeaustralian_joe on May 9th, 2012 10:57 am (UTC)
Yes, that's it exactly.
aeduna: heart!aeduna on May 9th, 2012 01:40 am (UTC)
love you, crazy and all
not immediately helpful, but still true
Her lips taste like a loaded gun.: Lesbians!tacomonkey on May 9th, 2012 07:18 am (UTC)
love you too :) i am glad to have you in my life. you help. a lot.
Duncan Harrispryortodeath on May 9th, 2012 07:12 am (UTC)
My cocktail of Seroquel, Pristiq,and Epilim has kept my BPD in check for 8 odd years. The side effects are horrible sometimes, and its never perfect, but it works for me.

They recently changed my previous anti-depressant to Pristiq, and a lot of the yukkiness went away. Seems good (6 months in).

Love you.
Her lips taste like a loaded gun.: Shit.tacomonkey on May 9th, 2012 07:19 am (UTC)
ugggggh pristiq made me want to chuck my guts up all the time :( and i put on 20kgs in 6 months with seroquel. i just want a brain that fucking WORKS dammit!

miss you
Duncan Harrispryortodeath on May 10th, 2012 06:50 am (UTC)
Lexapro did the same thing with the chuck chuck for me. And Seroquel didn't make me fat, but does make me a little zombie like at times. Nothing is perfect I think.

Miss you your face.
A Davish Type of Guyeldavo on May 22nd, 2012 06:29 am (UTC)
I know this is my answer to everything, but would my snuggles help?
Her lips taste like a loaded gun.: Jessica Rabbit.tacomonkey on May 23rd, 2012 01:43 am (UTC)
Always always always <3